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Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal "Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite." ~ Mignon Mc Laughlin "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." ~ Barbara Cartland "My wife is a sex object--every time I ask for sex, she objects." ~ Les Dawson "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? '" ~ Ken Hammond "You know that look women get when they want sex? Do not have sex with the authorities." ~ Matt Groening "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." ~ J. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ---To be notified whenever I post something new, I invite readers to join me on Facebook—as well as on Twitter where, additionally, you can follow my frequently unorthodox psychological and philosophical musings. The source I used ascribed it to Drew Carey, as have a few others.

Edgar Hoover "Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection." ~ Anon "Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval." ~ Leonard Rossiter "My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. " ~ Richard Fleischer "There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. and, lastly, the following from Woody Allen: "My brain: it's my second favorite organ." "Don't knock masturbation--it's sex with someone I love." "Having sex is like playing bridge. But further investigation showed that the quote did indeed originate with Steve Martin, so I edited my post to reflect that.

I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one" ~ Bob Hope "I know nothing about sex, because I was always married." ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor "Anticipation makes the hard-on longer." ~ Itsby Stevintary "The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on." ~ Anon "A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are." ~ Victor Lownes "A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do." ~ Alfred Kinsey "Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man." ~ Mignon Mc Laughlin "A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex.

He replied frankly: 'because everything does.'" ~ Honor Tracy "Sex. In other parts of the world a fact." ~ Marlene Dietrich "Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands." ~ Jayne Mansfield "Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions." ~ Aldous Huxley "Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. Perverted is using the whole chicken." ~ Anon "I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults." ~ Gore Vidal "There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.

Here, for example, are two witty (but also rather cutting) examples of how our sexual propensities may disclose things about us that, though comical, are hardly admirable.

The first pokes fun at men, the second at women: "Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography." (Robert Byrne) "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." ~ Thomas Szasz "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." ~ Lily Tomlin "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it." ~ Truman Capote "How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches." ~ Flash Rosenberg "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.

"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around." ~ David Lodge "Familiarity breeds contempt--and children." ~ Mark Twain "It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins." ~ Chinese Proverb "Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ George Burns "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.

In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." ~ Rodney Dangerfield "I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." ~ Groucho Marx "My father told me all about the birds and the bees--the liar.

After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live." ~Erica Jong "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." ~ Gloria Leonard "What's the difference between art and pornography? It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." "Sex relieves tension--love causes it." "Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful--provided you get between the right man and the right woman." "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." "Is sex dirty?

As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. Only if it's done right." "My love life is terrible. and Most Cynical." NOTE 2: To go to the somewhat darker side of love and sex, here are three pieces I've written on the (lamentable) subject of unreciprocated love: "Most Memorable Quotes on Unrequited Love," "The Blissful Torture of Unrequited Love," and (somewhat more optimistically) "3 Ways to Be Happy in Unrequited Love." NOTE 3: If some (hopefully, , click here.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." (P. O'Rourke) Anyhow, I hope you'll enjoy these quotations.

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